i don't like choking...©elaine greywalker 1999 all rights reserved

i don't like choking

parametric barometric lost in a tin cup of soup forced to swallow a pint a day and yet hopeful and responsive and trusting a god somewhere somewhen to respond to aid to abet to assuage to assist and care to resolve and solve and give and live life living alive but not free a day at a time a life at a time a moment a minute a life a day a life in a day in a life a capsule a wrapper and tiney lines around my eyes remind me that i have lived through it all it wasn't just a nightmare in disguise let it be he said and well i couldn't but i did try and the more i tried the less i let it go where to go who to ask it wasn't a miracle just a miraculous event a certain sudden shift in the eco structure that solved my problem and brought me to my knees at the same time is kneeling the secret trigger to solutions? would it matter if I thought about you while i was kneeling or do i have to actually pray? life and solutions now and forever god goddess process what does it matter as long as you are there and you love me forced to renege on my own solutions forced to rely on your compassion forced to lie to tell the truth to be to love to do whatever makes me whole and well but deep within i ponder these things and wonder.....can i be real is it real are we whole is anyone well? well oh well there it is again, the parametric barometric pressure of thought and life when a little dab of meditation will do ya' but any dab is too big and i ponder the prancing goddess on her high steed and say oh say to myself oh goddess let me ride on your rather large pony and see the skies from behind your flowing hair and feel that wind blowing my face just once this once and right now and i can't wait and i know if i just bicker long enough i will be able to force YOU to do my command and then i breathe a sigh of relief because i know i cannot force her through any measure and again i rely on her compassion and wisdom to get me through. my surroundings witness the ineptitude of my worship eventually my life will improve why it's improving every day and i know this because i see it even though these days occasionally i take a step back to (hopefully) get some perspective and then discover that the step back was into thin air and the path beneath my feet is dissolving as i move forward so where is that island of peace that just reward the end of all ends which cannot be when immersed in the fluid of life that i am forced to float in and drink one day at a time locked into this linear confusion held here by my ship of faith or canoe or raft or something and sometimes i jump off into the water and as i slowly go under i grab the vessel again and jump out of the fluidly running commotion into my safe little coracle with the god goddess process at my side and usually lifting me out by the armpits although i hate to admit it.... coracle oracle a lift to the wither winkle dry beneath the sky and up above the waves and forced sometimes to admit i do not run my life alone when i would like to stand like a red angry titan and declare "this....this is ALL my doing, i rule it, i alone am the main drag baby..." to which you reply "yes i have heard that song before...and it's okay, i still love you, i am here beside you forever even though you can't see forever..." and there is a smile and a warmth and i am ashamed again for doubting you and the universe for not letting you have your way with me when it is all good and all good and all good except for this little twinkling stone in my mind that mimics my unrest by whispering "yes you could rule the universe if only...." but today i leave the stone alone today i rely on you today i listen to god goddess process just for today just now and only now in this moment knowing there is REALLY no other moment except this one in which to live and parade and be and contemplate maybe the garden or children or education or life or the tin cup of soup or the fire or...... there really is no other moment than now in which to live with you and be with you and love you and have you while not having you and to just be and be and be and be and there you are and the world is what it is with the god goddess process love of love of love and love oh love is the grease for the squeaky wheel and discipline is the powerful seduction of many moons and moon crazed events and love oh love is the way to the withy windle which has been shining for so many eons even before and after being detected by Tolkein, one of my heroes i say oh say to you and you oh you say oh say to me and the moment runs away and after it all the little moments that belong to it trailing along in ghostly images as the moment runs away with us all and what did we know before this moment, if indeed there was one (and here my tiney lines nag me), probably nothing or something it doesn't matter because this is all there is all there is all there is there is no not Descartes....peggy lee.... this is all there is there is is is all there is i am that i may be may be allowed to be to be maybe happy or cute or rambunctious or cynical or any of a thousand other ideas that mask my tiney lines but my eyes reflect you and you reflect me and the good goddess process goes on and on and we say....why stop? but every sentence has a period brought to it by time and by sensibility which fits into its allotted slot on the continuum and you say oh what of me and i say you are you and i am me that we may be flits fitting sitting living being loving having not having and suddenly the miraculous moment has washed me clean of turgid thought and i sit here humbled by the god goddess process humming in my soul and ready for another force feeding goddess make me willing. i don't like choking on life.