I'd like to try to get by on $950,000 a year . . . maybe. $950,000 is the salary of my ultimate boss, the CEO. Of course, he ends up with more than that in total compensation. "Total compensation" is one of the better deceptions of the century, this or the last one. Compensation includes things that have nothing to do with cash. Last year I used my health insurance a lot. For the 4 years previously I either didn't use or didn't have any. So this type of compensation doesn't do much for me. I would rather have two season tickets to the Virginia Opera or two season passes to Water Country USA. Just as good would be a lovely all expenses paid weekend in the Bahamas in February. Now that's compensation!!

At least I think I'd like to try getting by on that kind of salary. What I would prefer is to not think about money or worry about how the bills are going to get paid. I've been on my own for ten and a half months now. My bills have gotten paid and I've even reduced my credit card debt (at the expense of my dwindling IRA—something else I'll probably not use much). It hasn't been an easy adjustment from a two income household to a single one. I remember going to the thrift store and window shopping for new clothes. I've had a couple of patch loans from Mom. At the moment things are okay. When I lived in a two income household I got pretty close to not worrying about money, but I also had the mistaken notion that I couldn't afford certain things, like season tickets to the opera. Now I know I could have afforded them if my priorities had been straightened out. My money dribbled away on odds and ends while I just had a plain, good old time enjoying the little moments of life.

I thought money was lacking in my life because I kept looking at what I didn't have. A couple of days ago I got out my photo album. What I notice now is all the smiles (maybe I just didn't take any sad pictures?) and silliness. Sure, we didn't have any decent furniture and certainly didn't live in house beautiful, but we had fun—or I had fun anyway. It looks like everyone else is having fun, too. When I was happy the others around me were happy. That was what mattered, not how much money I had. There were always fun things to do.

I suppose the issue is that I don't have a lot of fun anymore. I have a bad attitude. There is no magic in life. I have to be serious and responsible. I hate it. Two days ago I went to work as "Career Girl." Since then I've been going in as myself: sandals, creative clothing, unprofessional bags. If the security guard didn't know me, she'd probably mistake me for a street person. When the break up came down it put my nose in the dirt. I had tons of emergencies on a daily basis because my life had taken an extreme dive and I had to spend every day pulling up out of it. I had (and still have) no savings, no backup, no cushion of any kind. Now that life has settled down again, maybe I can start having fun. Maybe the magic can come back.

I just put a temporary gold foil tattoo on my right foot. I think I need one on my forehead.