Okay. Here's the gist of my landslide theory:

1. A history of absconding trauma. I'm sure there's a technical name for it. Basically, his father left on a business trip when he was 16 and never came back. The entire family was surprised. He was one of the last people to know his father wasn’t coming back.
2. Midlife crisis. He's 42 (41 when he decided to leave me). Just another rock in the landslide.
3. He had a sack. You know, that sack where you store all the things that bother you about your loved one that you just can't bear to bring up and resolve but you carry around with you anyway. His just got too heavy to carry. It's not like I wouldn't have been willing to discuss things with him. I was always ready to do that. He said I just wanted "answers." I suggested therapy. He said that didn't work for him. You know, sometimes a relationship is just about working it out.
4. He said it was too much work. Well, if you take on the full time job of keeping someone else's fantasy alive, it does become a bit overwhelming.
5. We started off as a passionately in love couple with all the stars in the right places and god on our side. This is a tough act to follow.
6. I have issues. I suspect it bothered him that he couldn't solve them. I've been in and out of therapy all my life. I'm in therapy now. I suspect that I'll continue to drop in every now and then. Life isn't all it's cracked up to be.
7. He has alexithermia. This is a common guy problem. Translation: not having the words for feelings. I, on the other hand, have trouble connecting sometimes even though I know lots of words.

Our relationship was good. I will always believe that. We were not problem free. Who is? Communications broke down, which is the single biggest factor in the ending of a relationship. The common consensus is that relationships end because people change. Well, if they're keeping up with things and communicating, chances are they can change together and work through it.

My biggest disappointment is that we never worked it out. I was hoping we would now be able to get to all that. That maybe he would change a little. That maybe I would learn all the stuff I've been dying to know about him and about myself and what I'm doing that isn't working and how I can change. I was very excited about that—about going down that long road together, into the sunset, hand in hand, our eyes on the road and just loving all the deep stuff we were bringing up and learning. Oh well.

Today I feel like I just woke up from a dream—that the last 14 years were fantasy and now I'm living in reality. I did live out a fantasy over the last 14 years. It was a lot like a dream come true. Now I'm looking forward to having a real relationship. One where we're not fated to be together, where all the signs are not exploding in the heavens, but where we're just two good people who love each other and care about each other and are ready to do the necessary work to live a happy life together. Just plain real, man.